NEW YORK — After five years of marriage and three IKEA rebuilds, local woman Dana Wexler has confirmed that she prefers the company of her hamster, Butterball, to that of her husband. “He never leaves dishes in the sink,” Dana reportedly said of the hamster, who also doesn’t speak, breathe heavily, or express opinions on cryptocurrency.
Sources say Dana began suspecting her emotional priorities had shifted after she skipped her anniversary dinner to attend a rodent spa pop-up in Brooklyn. “He got the deluxe sunflower seed exfoliation,” she said proudly. Butterball emerged relaxed and visibly gleaming. Her husband, Billy, ate two reheated taquitos alone while rewatching Cobra Kai, and questioning the meaning of love.
Butterball now has his own stroller, TikTok account, and lawyer. Dana takes him everywhere, including couples therapy. “He helps me feel seen,” she explained while Butterball ran on a tiny treadmill in her handbag. The therapist noted Butterball made more eye contact than Billy. Dana nodded, saying Billy has never once accepted a treat pellet or spun in place when excited.
When reached for comment, Billy said, “I’m just glad she’s happy,” and quietly returned to assembling a complex Lego set he claims is “for focus.” He’s been replaced emotionally, financially, and in the holiday card photo, which now reads “Love from Dana and B.” Friends say Billy may be growing a tail in response.
Experts from the University of Shrinking Standards note that this is part of a wider trend in urban areas. “Pets are quieter, cheaper, and can’t file for divorce,” said Dr. Sandra Lune. Dana, in the mean time, is planning a honeymoon redo to the Hamptons, which Butterball believes is a pun. Billy has not been invited. Butterball, however, will receive a ring.
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